I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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