U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
