Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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