If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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