I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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