EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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