my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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