Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My liver just had a heart attack.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
