I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
