I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
