I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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