omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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