I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
