Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
