I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
