This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
