Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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