i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
