They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Blood and glitter go together right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
