my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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