I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
