When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
