Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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