Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
After tacos, we're chasing women.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
