the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
