I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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