Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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