please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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