I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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