I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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