Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
