ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
