I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
