Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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