Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
