Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
