I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
