You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
