Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
