I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
