careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Randomize
