Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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