I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
