The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
