This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
