you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
