sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
