He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
