Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
