Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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