you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
