I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
